Reflections of a Misfit

                                     
                                 

                               
                                            REFLECTIONS OF A MISFIT

Lidia Yuknavitch’s memoir, ‘The Chronology of Water,’ is about how being a misfit interrupted her dreams of competitive Olympic swimming and overcoming it. Her words inspired me to write about my own transition from the ugly silkworm to a beautiful butterfly soaring in freedom. I wanted to write about the painful journey of a misfit and the fire that rages in her innermost core before it sublimates and she comes out a winner at the other end of that dark tunnel, having overcome her own demons.

 Being brutally candid, I would say that a misfit is so by her own judgments. SHE is the one who does not fit in, is lonely, lacking a sense of belonging for she belongs only to herself. Although she yearns to be accepted, when accepted by others, she herself moves away after some time; she is forever on a journey of self discovery, feeling different from society’s norms. At times I wonder who isn’t a misfit in some way or the other.

As a child I was a loner, quiet and introverted. Being extremely sensitive meant getting hurt easily; empathizing with the underdog, I ran into chances of becoming vulnerable myself. I would recede into my shell, only occasionally coming out of an emotional vacuum of my own making. However, that did not stop my true strengths from blossoming. Growing up, I became conscious of my intelligence and my hidden talents surfaced, which made me a popular student. I realized there was no need for loneliness or inadequacy. I could let my true colors shine and felt that being a misfit was awesome because I had something more, not less than others.

The years spent in medical studies were years of trial by fire, as I was not mentally equipped for the cut and dried, clinically cold and inhuman atmosphere there. I was an artist at heart and yearned to dance and sing on stage, but went through grueling studies because, during our youth, it was parents who decided about children’s careers. Few women went for higher studies. Being intelligent, I was convinced into believing that I was meant to become a doctor, one of the few ‘respectable’ professions for women. Putting my own dreams and aspirations into cold storage, I grappled with studies that were not only difficult but uninteresting and dry to my artistic temperament given to daydreaming and romanticizing.

The struggle to balance the harsh educational pressures against my soft, warm hearted temperament was a tough row to hoe alone. I was sickly and delicate; living in a hostel was not easy. I felt a total misfit within those boundaries.  My spirits lifted as I turned to writing poetry when too overwhelmed. I vacillated between creative surges and attempts at studious application to academics. Needless to say it tore me, as my grades fell. Having been a topper always, it was disheartening to accept my poor results. I almost wanted to ditch the whole idea of ever becoming a doctor, but could not dare to voice it to my parents, for fear of breaking their hearts and wasting their hard earned money. I tried to find new road maps for self discovery, whence I could juggle both career orientated studies as well as my artistic leanings.

A very welcome respite came in the form of youth festivals where I could excel on the stage, being one of the rare good English speakers. I would sweep every possible award. I won the best actress gold medal year after year. I had found an outlet for my suppressed emotions. With a ferocious energy I dug deeper into myself and tapped every aspect of my multifaceted personality, honing every talent of mine. With will power, honest intensity and an explosive force, I travelled the difficult and slow process of self discovery till I shone brilliantly.

As I was recognized for my extra-curricular talents and achievements, I started approving and loving myself more and more, getting better and better day by day. I realized I was not a MISFIT-I was UNIQUE. I started celebrating being different, not walking the beaten track, a little on the fringes, my very own special creation. If at times I felt a fish out of water I didn’t change myself, I found a new stream and soon recognized some incredible people who felt like me. I reached out and connected, even if for a short while. I drew support from others, who were not shy being who they were.  But, after some time I moved away again, because I would find myself not really fitting into a fixed mould. I took these phases as an opportunity to keep reinventing myself and new layers of the self kept getting discovered.

 I often drew inspiration from a quote I’d read somewhere, “Any dead fish can swim downstream but it takes a live one to swim upstream against the current.” I believed in myself –I was a ‘FREE SPIRIT.’ I came to terms that it was okay to be me. Why a clone? Being different was great, being me was better.

When I set up private practice after marriage, I went through great upheavals. Raising a family, fighting for my share in a world fast changing into one based on consumerism; my ethical ways were hardly the right tools to earn my living with. After a few years of teething troubles, I carved a niche for myself in the city, based on goodwill. I built bridges with patients as a compassionate and empathetic doctor, whom they trusted like a family member. I continued to keep my inner urge for creativity alive by nurturing all my talents. I was a recognized and popular public speaker, a familiar voice on the radio and a known TV personality. Over the years I was elected as chairperson of many organizations, channelizing my love and compassion for the down trodden into social work, while my profession earned me money, and the love and respect of my growing number of patients.

I retired from active practice about thirteen years ago around sixty, not because I was unable to work, but because I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing the things I’d put on hold, while still physically active and able to enjoy being different. I’m a full time householder, grandmother and writer, happy to be myself and follow my heart, wherever it takes me. Spending more time with my family and staying in touch with myself keeps me emotionally fulfilled.

Writing is my lifelong passion and has helped me earn great friends, some awards and the joy of seeing my name and writings in some anthologies, along with some money also. With more time I can devote myself to my spiritual practice which imparts a sense of peace and equanimity. I embrace and love myself fully for who I am, rather than deal with manipulations and judgments. I connect myself to the Source and draw sustenance in the winter of my life, from that which creates and sustains all.

I may warm some hearts, others may misunderstand me. I can only control my actions and not the RE-actions of others. I feel good about doing what I think is right, being kind to others and having the courage to be me. I know I am one of the coolest and most unique citizens of this widely diverse global community.