REFLECTIONS OF A MISFIT
Being
brutally candid, I would say that a misfit is so by her own judgments. SHE is
the one who does not fit in, is lonely, lacking a sense of belonging for she
belongs only to herself. Although she yearns to be accepted, when accepted by
others, she herself moves away after some time; she is forever on a journey of
self discovery, feeling different from society’s norms. At times I wonder who
isn’t a misfit in some way or the other.
As a child I was a loner, quiet and introverted. Being extremely
sensitive meant getting hurt easily; empathizing with the underdog, I ran into
chances of becoming vulnerable myself. I would recede into my shell, only
occasionally coming out of an emotional vacuum of my own making. However, that
did not stop my true strengths from blossoming. Growing up, I became conscious
of my intelligence and my hidden talents surfaced, which made me a popular
student. I realized there was no need for loneliness or inadequacy. I could let
my true colors shine and felt that being a misfit was awesome because I had
something more, not less than others.
The years spent in medical studies were years of trial by
fire, as I was not mentally equipped for the cut and dried, clinically cold and
inhuman atmosphere there. I was an artist at heart and yearned to dance and
sing on stage, but went through grueling studies because, during our youth, it
was parents who decided about children’s careers. Few women went for higher
studies. Being intelligent, I was convinced into believing that I was meant to
become a doctor, one of the few ‘respectable’ professions for women. Putting my
own dreams and aspirations into cold storage, I grappled with studies that were
not only difficult but uninteresting and dry to my artistic temperament given
to daydreaming and romanticizing.
The struggle to balance the harsh educational pressures
against my soft, warm hearted temperament was a tough row to hoe alone. I was
sickly and delicate; living in a hostel was not easy. I felt a total misfit
within those boundaries. My spirits
lifted as I turned to writing poetry when too overwhelmed. I vacillated between
creative surges and attempts at studious application to academics. Needless to
say it tore me, as my grades fell. Having been a topper always, it was
disheartening to accept my poor results. I almost wanted to ditch the whole
idea of ever becoming a doctor, but could not dare to voice it to my parents,
for fear of breaking their hearts and wasting their hard earned money. I tried
to find new road maps for self discovery, whence I could juggle both career
orientated studies as well as my artistic leanings.
A very welcome respite came in the form of youth
festivals where I could excel on the stage, being one of the rare good English
speakers. I would sweep every possible award. I won the best actress gold medal
year after year. I had found an outlet for my suppressed emotions. With a
ferocious energy I dug deeper into myself and tapped every aspect of my
multifaceted personality, honing every talent of mine. With will power, honest
intensity and an explosive force, I travelled the difficult and slow process of
self discovery till I shone brilliantly.
As I was recognized for my extra-curricular talents and
achievements, I started approving and loving myself more and more, getting
better and better day by day. I realized I was not a MISFIT-I was UNIQUE. I
started celebrating being different, not walking the beaten track, a little on
the fringes, my very own special creation. If at times I felt a fish out of
water I didn’t change myself, I found a new stream and soon recognized some
incredible people who felt like me. I reached out and connected, even if for a
short while. I drew support from others, who were not shy being who they
were. But, after some time I moved away
again, because I would find myself not really fitting into a fixed mould. I
took these phases as an opportunity to keep reinventing myself and new layers
of the self kept getting discovered.
I often drew
inspiration from a quote I’d read somewhere, “Any dead fish can swim downstream
but it takes a live one to swim upstream against the current.” I believed in
myself –I was a ‘FREE SPIRIT.’ I came to terms that it was okay to be me. Why a
clone? Being different was great, being me was better.
When I set up private practice after marriage, I went
through great upheavals. Raising a family, fighting for my share in a world
fast changing into one based on consumerism; my ethical ways were hardly the
right tools to earn my living with. After a few years of teething troubles, I carved
a niche for myself in the city, based on goodwill. I built bridges with patients
as a compassionate and empathetic doctor, whom they trusted like a family
member. I continued to keep my inner urge for creativity alive by nurturing all
my talents. I was a recognized and popular public speaker, a familiar voice on
the radio and a known TV personality. Over the years I was elected as chairperson
of many organizations, channelizing my love and compassion for the down trodden
into social work, while my profession earned me money, and the love and respect
of my growing number of patients.
I retired from active practice about thirteen years ago
around sixty, not because I was unable to work, but because I wanted to spend
the rest of my life doing the things I’d put on hold, while still physically
active and able to enjoy being different. I’m a full time householder,
grandmother and writer, happy to be myself and follow my heart, wherever it
takes me. Spending more time with my family and staying in touch with myself
keeps me emotionally fulfilled.
Writing is my lifelong passion and has helped me earn great friends, some awards and the joy of seeing my name and writings in some anthologies, along with some money also. With more time I can devote myself to my spiritual practice which imparts a sense of peace and equanimity. I embrace and love myself fully for who I am, rather than deal with manipulations and judgments. I connect myself to the Source and draw sustenance in the winter of my life, from that which creates and sustains all.
Writing is my lifelong passion and has helped me earn great friends, some awards and the joy of seeing my name and writings in some anthologies, along with some money also. With more time I can devote myself to my spiritual practice which imparts a sense of peace and equanimity. I embrace and love myself fully for who I am, rather than deal with manipulations and judgments. I connect myself to the Source and draw sustenance in the winter of my life, from that which creates and sustains all.
I may warm some hearts, others may misunderstand me. I
can only control my actions and not the RE-actions of others. I feel good about
doing what I think is right, being kind to others and having the courage to be
me. I know I am one of the coolest and most unique citizens of this widely diverse
global community.
